Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
