I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
