I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
two words: eviction party
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Randomize
