so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
