So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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