seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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