I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
