Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
i've created a new STD.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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