dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
