I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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