I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
