Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
