OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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