i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
