If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he fucked my hip out of place.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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