Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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