trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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