I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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