i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize