Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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