things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
