3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
