The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
