everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
