I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I supernannyed him into submission
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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