Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
