I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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