I just pynch a tree in the face
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
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