I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
