I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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