You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
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