i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
