I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
