The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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