it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
And then he peed in my hair
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