do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize