You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she peed on how many people?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
pray to the hookup gods
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
