why didn't you poke me back
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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