Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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