i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
