my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize