At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
