He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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