theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
