so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
