I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Apparently you make a good broom.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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