I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
