Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
