have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I wear drunk well.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
