u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize