explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
