that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
