Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
