im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
