i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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