Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
