I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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