sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
